The Republic of Texas

The following is what passes for political humor among Texas Bush voters. My response follows.

VOTE BUSH!

And people wonder why we are a bit proud!!!!
Republic of Texas:

I thought you'd all get a kick out of this one - Texan or not (and Republican or not)....

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the inauguration route,
the folks from Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States (all 49 states).
#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee ! states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell
Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc,Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research,the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

We have enough colleges to keep us going: U.T., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's
University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway. We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more )

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they
taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. You won't have any T. V as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas

My Response:

Yeah, only one...errr...well, more than one problem:

- George Bush will be the President of the Republic and will ship all the jobs overseas;
- Bush would give tax cuts to his friends and the wealthy of Texas so all the infrastructure and colleges would atrophy;
- The Texas Air and Army NG will go on the George Bush drill plan and only train two days a year (and then defer for college) and the enlisted who remain will be exhausted from continued rotations to Iraq which Texas inherited when Bush took over;
- The wounded will have to make their own prosthesis because Bush will have cut TVA benefits for the returning soldiers he committed to war;
- Bush will piss off the rest of the US, and the world, and therefore there would be no one to buy their products and consequently their manufacturing would go in the toilet (how many horns can you put on Cadillacs or lift kits on trucks anyway?);
- TASA will state they're going to Mars and then cut funding for everything and they will have no booster rockets to get anything they do manage to build into space anyway;
- All the technology firms will outsource their work to California and Northern Virginia where the brain trust is anyway;
- What companies remain will not be able to raise capital as there is no stock exchange in Texas and transparent accounting will have been made a thing of the past by the ENRON "None of Your Elitist Business" Accounting Act;
- Since Texas has flip-flopped on patient rights (and Bush agreed), health care costs will sky rocket;
- The Christian Fundametalist Health Network will force all the Texas Teens who get pregnant in the back of a camaro/trans am/ford truck while cruising from the Wal-Mart parking lot to the Dairy Queen after mandatory bible school to cross the border to get a safe abortion, condoms, the pill, or a good pediatrician;
- Since beef is the largest meat produced, weight and heart health issues will skyrocket further burdening an already taxed healthcare system;
- All medicines will have to be imported - probably from Canada;
- All the sports teams will be run by the Bush family and subsequently run into the ground like every other company he has managed;
- Same with energy companies, which will be given to Cheney and his friends from ENRON and Haliburton - so I bet the US would have more gas than Texas by the end of the first year as TENRON-HALIBURTON will have sold everything to outside buyers and then set up empty accounts that they then sell to Texas homeowners at twice the price because of the "shortage";
- The secret energy policy board will recommend invading Alaska as they are unfairly hording their oil reserves and it will give Haliburton a chance to overcharge for feeding the troops serving in the Alaskan Theatre;
- Bush will legalize all immigration and by the end of his first term, Texas will be the northern most portion of Mexico.
- The senior Bush will move back to Maine.

But there is one bright side, Wal-Mart will be hiring, the smog will remind the Mexican's of home, the water will be a nice glowing green and all the knuckleheads who work for Bush will go with him so we can get on with running the greatest country in the world.

Best of luck!

People of the US minus Texas

PS - My apologies to my more level-headed Texas friends.